In Her Own Words

Jennifer was very proud of her recovery. She told her story to Junior High classes. And she encouraged many other sufferers to get treatment and recover. She also wrote in her journal. One entry that reflects her feelings is as follows:

Do I ever think about relapsing? Do I ever get an eerie nostalgic feeling on days when I don't eat enough? Do I ever crave the intense release of ab/p? Do I ever look at old pictures and want my old figure back? I'd be lying if I said that I recovered without looking back. And it's more than just looking back - I can actually feel the ghosts of my past inside me, I can call those old feelings up on a minute's notice.

What keeps me where I am? I've done that stuff already, and look where it got me. There's no more novelty to be had. No more allure of the dangerous stranger. I have not, as some people do, forgotten the oh-so-unglamorous drawbacks of it all. The hiding, the isolation, the fear, the intense loneliness and the ever growing sense of unfullfillment.

And I know that no matter how much I think relapsing may satisfy or numb that intense longing, it will only leave me perpetually unsatisfied, "high and dry". It will not "be different this time".